It seems I'm always at a crossroad in life. There are always decisions to make and I'm not the most eager or greatest decision maker. It actually drives my husband insane (literally- and I've turned his hair gray with this behavior!) that I cannot make a definitive decision about anything as I second guess a lot of things. Maybe it's because change is hard; commitment is scary; and a fear of failure or imperfection or looking like an idiot. If you can't tell, I'm hard on myself to be perfect even though I know I will never be as I'm not supposed to be. I am to simply rely on the only Perfect Person ever (Jesus Christ) to get me through the major things in life. The funny thing, I can do that usually without much problem as I know I can't control it. Shoot, I made a decision to change my major and add 1.5 years of schooling to my degree when I could have easily finished up in a year- but I followed what I believe God was asking me to do. More on that in another post. My question is what about the little things?
This post is coming about as tomorrow I am getting my hair cut and colored. Nothing major as I have done this too many times to even attempt to count. I've been blonde, dark brown, bright red, even a beautiful mahogany/purply color. It was my favorite and absolutely beautiful. I've had it cut boy cut short (bring out the shears, I'll take number 5) and flowing down my back in many layers. I've been permed, straight, wavy and anything in between. Now, at 35, I can't seem to make a decision of what I want to do with my hair. I want it short, but hubby likes long. I want it long, but I don't have a clue what to do with it so it goes in a pony tail (well then cut it off!). Why can't I make a decision about my hair? I want a change and I need a change, but what? Maybe I should just get a bunch of wigs and be a different person every day.... hey, I know some people who did that. Maybe they can help???
It doesn't stop there folks. When I'm really hungry and we're running around. I'll tell hubby how hungry I am and he asks what I want. I tell him "I don't know". I'll want to do something but have no clue what I want to do. It's aggravating for him and for me. Really? Why can't I make a choice about something and not get all wishy washy about my decision? Can this be normal? Are there others out there like me?
I would like to think it's just a phase or a mood thing, but I don't think it is. Maybe it's genetic... I think I'll have to do more talking with the family!
Tomorrow, I will make a decision- to change or not to change. I bet it will be not to change as I think I simply fear it. Isn't that what old people do? Am I really getting old? Change is not something to be feared but something to be embraced- I've heard this many times and cannot tell you where it came from. I used to believe in it. I practice it in my teaching all the time as I can't teach each student the same, yet in my personal decisions I want comfort and experience. Such a silly post- all because I'm getting a haircut tomorrow. Stupid hair cut- making me think too much.