Saturday, September 1, 2012

Just journaling....

It's been an interesting month. August was harder on me this time. It could be the new position at school, in addition to teaching. It could be because I was really struggling with lil man going to preschool and getting bigger. Maybe it had something to do with feeling unprepared for the school year or the fact that I hadn't gotten anything on my list of things to do this summer done. Don't get me wrong, I did some things, but the majority of it was chilling with my boy and enjoying life with him.... til July 31 when things got really hectic.

I was doing well and holding it together and then things started to fall apart in more ways than I anticipated. Maybe some of it was my fault. Maybe some of it was I just took on too much and attempted to do too much. Maybe it's just how things are supposed to be. Only God knows really.

When school started, I spent 4 days crying from stress and anxiety. Yep, I got that bad. I ate crappy foods, didn't make the farmers' market as I usually did, didn't clip coupons or even really shop for food. Meal planning? I couldn't even think about it. I think it was mild momentary depression. It seemed like everything, and I mean everything (relationships of all kinds, work, home) was falling apart.

Then a magical thing happened.... I laughed... for the first time in over a week and a half. It felt great. I felt light. What was the change? I gave up thinking I could do everything and relied on God to just take it away and help me to do what I could in that moment. It felt great.

Then I woke up the next morning. The toilet had overflowed all night. We had water all over the bathroom, through the kitchen ceiling, the kitchen cabinets, on the counter and the kitchen floor, down into the basement. I didn't think anything of it. Cleaned everything up with towels and whatever, told the hubs what happened. He said he would take a half day off work later in the day to help with cleaning up. He came home to a hot, smelly house. He called a company to come out and the insurance company. He handled it all while I worked away. I was stressed, yes, but not crying stressed. Just overwhelmed and defeated stressed. That stressed that makes you feel worn out. Sometimes that feeling is almost as comfy as a pair of old jeans. It just is. It makes you realize that you can't do it all. That you need help. That sometimes it's just time to stop and slow down. You're tired from it all. The good thing about that stress, you have to rely on something bigger than you to make it through. For me, that is Jesus Christ, my Savior. He actually gave me a genius idea (well, maybe it wasn't from him, I don't know). Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I'm not in control and to rely on Him more. Letting me know that I can't control it all and nor should I attempt to. Do you know what a weight it was that came off my shoulders?   It was/is amazing.

I am lighter now. I may have lost a few friends. I may mess up in my new leadership role. I may even mess up in parenting and marriage. I can't control it all and am just grateful that I don't have to. That really the only relationship that matters is the one I have with God and when that is in perspective, so will be the others. Growing that relationship will help the marriage, parenting and others. So for now, I'm focusing on that and my family. Yes, I'll still have to work, but the those relationships are the ones I am choosing to focus on for now. It is needed and it took the stressors of the month to get me to this point. I must say, I'm kind of glad for them..... Now, bring on the chaos of home repairs.